I imagine that Jason Kottke was having a frustrating morning commute when he penned his 9 Rules for the NYC Subway.

1. Get the hell out of my way, I’m coming through.

I sometimes feel great pity for elderly citizens who for reasons economic or psychological, have not managed to escape New York City before growing frail and feeble. They move so slowly through the streets and stairwells and platforms. The negative vibes and glares of unmitigated hatred that they get from the crowd that swirls around them must have a detrimental effect on their psyche.

I sometimes wish I could buy them a house in the country.

2. Do not stop at the top of the stairs to put your MetroCard back into your purse/wallet. You are between me and my train.

3. Act more like a particle and less like a wave. When you’re weaving all over the platform like a drunken sinusoidal, energetic particles like myself — who, in keeping with Newton’s first law of motion, like to remain in a uniform state of motion until acted upon by an outside force — cannot easily get past you.

I disagree with this one. If you are lithe and quick, dodging-n-weaving is superior to marching in a pack. If you are doing it right, no one will be able to move faster, and thus will have no need of passing you.

4. Slower traffic keep to the right.

Or in the middle of the platform, whichever makes more sense.

5. Yield to persons crossing the platform from the express train to the local train (or vice versa). They need the right-of-way more than you do for that 15 seconds of your existence on this earth.

Don’t complain if someone hurls you out of their way between trains, either. Its compounding ignorance with selfishness.

6. Have your MetroCard out of its holster before you get to the turnstile. Before.

7. If you are waiting for your train, suppress the urge to wander the crowded platform aimlessly. Pick a spot and stay exactly there. If you need to move, do so with purpose and well-defined direction.

This is more a function of crowd density. When people are spread sparsely across the platform it is permissible to take ownership of a section (say, between two pillars) by pacing to-and-fro. If you’ve been walking fast on the streets above, its a good way to keep the energy up until you’re off the train and walking again.

8. I’m embarrassed that I even need to mention this one because it’s so bloody obvious, but get out of the way and let everyone off the train before you attempt to board.

My one overtly aggressive act in life so far was trouncing a fat, nasty shrew of an office-worker who pushed her way into a crowded Queens-bound E train during the evening rush hour without letting anyone (me) off first. Her smug remark was cut off in a squawk when I body-checked her into the Plexiglas advertisement partition. A murmur of pleasure rippled through the frustrated crowd around me; women gazed at me in admiration as I marched off on my way. “That’s why you get the fuck out of the way of the doors,” as an observer commented to a friend with a righteous nod.

9. Get the hell out of my way, I’m coming through.

If you are on crutches, please take a cab. For your own physical and psychic safety, I implore you: do not ride the subway when temporarily crippled. Your inexperience may bring you further harm.